Self care needs a "yes, and" mindset in 2024
Living through late-stage capitalism often feels like a plane about to crash. When advocating for a cause, make sure to put on your own oxygen mask, too.
This past week on the internet began on an interesting foot. A beloved, bright red children’s character took to Twitter to check in and ask: “How is everybody doing?” The results were… wild. In a nutshell, we are doing not good, Elmo. NOT GOOD.
The comments and quotes ranged from sassy messages such as, “I’m at my [effing] limit,” and the “How ‘am’ I?” gif/meme from Broad City, to deep existential despair, and fellow TV/movie puppets and corporations making cute or punny responses. It felt like Twitter of years gone by, when it still worked as a kind of shared (and often comedic) social phenomenon. But it also reveals: 1. Just how rough the current state of our minds and brains are this winter, as we enter year five of the pandemic, and 2. That we don’t have many places to talk honestly about and/or process these feelings.
As oncologist Mark Lewis aptly noted in a quote reply: “We're only one month into 2024 and it turns out most of America's mental health safety net is <checks notes> a Muppet.”
Elmo (and likely a dedicated team of humans) crafted an empathetic reply to the tidal wave of responses, which they clearly were not expecting. But maybe, just maybe, we should have seen this coming.
I could go into all the reasons people have to be in despair at this point in time (especially in the U.S.), or how inaccessible, inefficient, and inequitable this country’s healthcare and mental healthcare system and resources are… or why companies pushing for “return to office” (RTO) at this point in time are making a ridiculous mistake that is not based on people’s quality of life or company productivity, but real estate prices and useless capitalistic traditions. Anywho!
Elmo also responded to one despairing comment with: “This is how Elmo feels when he skips nap time.😴🥱” As someone who has always needed a lot of sleep, I was like “I know that feeling!” This comment then also got me thinking of the saying many of us have seen somewhere online, that goes something like: “If you think you hate everyone else, eat something. If you think you hate yourself, go to sleep.”
And I really wish I could have slept through this entire past week. Due to some perfect storm of stress, anxiety, and hormones, my body decided to serve me a week from absolute hell. I cried essentially nonstop from 6 p.m. on Tuesday until I fell asleep on Wednesday night, for no reason. And when I woke up on Thursday morning, I had both my period and my sanity back, like nothing had ever happened. In hindsight, I wish I had been able to be kinder to myself and that I had treated myself more like I was ill, and less like something to be fixed. I wish I had better prioritized taking care of myself.
Because even if you make sure to eat, drink enough water, or get enough sleep, sometimes it may still be a miserable experience to exist — but doing those things is critically important to giving yourself the best chance you can to survive, feel a bit better, and face another day. This past week reminded me how important it is to take sick time when you need to, even if you don’t want to. And how important it is to not only let yourself take care of yourself, but often to make yourself take care of yourself.
This of course is our old friend, self care. The term has been used to mean so many things over the years, and even been co-opted by capitalism to make us buy tons of stuff. So I spent some time thinking about: in 2024, what does self care mean anymore? What role does it play in a world full of sickness, war, and injustice? What does it mean during a rapidly changing era of technology, greed, and inequity? What does it mean in an age full of social media, influencers, and content? What does it mean as we age and our bodies change, in a world that claims to have all the health hacks for beauty and everlasting youth?
I’ve observed that some people want to attack it, some people lean into it more than ever, and some people avoid it altogether. Some people co-opt it for their own public gain, some people do it privately, and some people either haven’t heard of the term, or use it so widely that it completely loses its meaning.
So let’s start with my definition (which this piece will be based on): Self care is something that you do for yourself to take care of your mind, body, or soul, that either brings you joy, pleasure, or peace, and/or keeps you supported/sustained/healthy and able keep going in the world. It can have both a short-term and long-term impact, but it is something you mainly get a short-term benefit from. It cannot be something that hurts yourself or others, and it cannot be something that you do for or to please others, or because everyone else is doing it. It is literally “care of, or for, the self.”
Now, it can come in various shapes and sizes, some of which are highly privileged and some of which are absolutely essential. Here are some examples, which I’ve categorized in a way that makes sense to me, because they don’t all mean or feel like the same thing. (Please note these are not exhaustive lists or categories.)
Basic self care: Brushing your teeth, getting enough sleep, showering or bathing, washing your hair, drinking water, making sure to eat food, etc. These are the kinds of things that for those with a chronic illness, anxiety and depression, ADHD, or other recurring mental or physical obstacles, are really important elements to prioritize in getting through each day, to literally take care of yourself. I find myself returning to these basics often.
Health self care: Making and going to doctors appointments, refilling and taking your medications, practicing certain routines that address medical issues, exercise and/or movement, or limiting your body’s movement and pacing yourself (very important for people with PEM), continuing to wear a high-quality and well-fitting mask in shared indoor spaces to prevent infections from airborne pathogens like COVID-19, taking sick time from work when you need to, finding nutritious foods you enjoy and making meals with them, wearing sunscreen, and limiting alcohol intake. This is a category of self care I am very familiar with, but some people heavily neglect this category and/or are unaware of how much of a role it has to play in some people’s lives.
Soul / spiritual / mental self care: Meditation and/or mindfulness, time outside in nature or green space in some form, routines/practices/treatments that address a mental illness, therapy, gratefulness and/or grounding practices, saying “no” to social invites, situations, or debates that drain your energy or spirit too much, taking the time to get to know yourself (your interests, your goals, hopes, and dreams, what you find funny, what music you like, etc.), and for some, religious practices. This is the category of things you do to nurture your inner world, and make sure you still know who you are deep down, in a society that is all about trends, performances and appearances. This category says, “get off your phone!”
Miscellaneous physical self care (pampering): Manicures and pedicures, spa days, hot springs, buying pricier or one-time use items that aid in relaxation (like bath bombs), wearing or getting makeup applied, getting a massage, getting your hair done, buying new clothes, etc. These are more of what many people think of as frivolous or capitalistic-centered self care items, as they require purchasing a product or service, and aren’t essential or accessible to many people. However, I think there’s an important role for these things for many people in how they are able to practice or access self care. Gender-affirming practices would fall into this category for me, which are important to all people to feel comfortable and safe in their own skin.
Extravagant or luxury self care: Flying for a weekend from NYC to Italy, just to try the pasta? A yacht vacation in the Caribbean with five of your best friends? A ski vacation in the Alps, or in California to tour and taste all the wineries? You see where I’m going with this… I’m not saying that all vacations are bad—in fact, vacations are a great form of self care for many (they are a dedicated break from work, time in a new place, and often include a lot of joy)—but going to Disney World for a week is something that should be noted as a luxury experience. The same thing applies to purchases or investments that hurt others, even indirectly, like a brand new gas-powered car that gets less than 25 MPG. However, if a person is raised in or lives a certain type of high-profile or financially luxurious lifestyle, excessive or expensive items or experiences may be the only way that self care is framed and/or appropriate for them to pursue. But if self care was a food pyramid, these things (like vacations, for the average person) would be at the very tippy top.
I don’t see basic daily tasks like answering mundane emails you’ve been putting off, remembering to mail something important, or life-planning things (like finally setting up an account to save for retirement) as self care. Those are just things that you have to do as a part of life, or are what I would consider self growth or self investment (long-term benefit related to stepping up and doing tough things you don't want to do). Self care (in my view) has a more immediate impact and/or short-term benefit — and is all about you taking care of yourself, today, at the core of it.
Self care, however, is not avoidance of the world around you, and it is not drowning yourself in expensive luxuries. But some people think it is, or use the term this way. So I feel it’s important to clarify: The core of self care is not “I am going to focus on myself and nothing else,” nor is it “pampering myself is more important than paying attention to the world around me.” That is simply avoidance and practicing one’s privilege.
But if anyone tells you to abandon your self care and run yourself ragged in the service of something or someone else, or that says that someone else is wrong for telling you to practice self care, that is an unhealthy individual to take advice from. You are allowed to take breaks, to take care of yourself physically and mentally, and to address personal needs, no matter what current local or global events are at play.
You are allowed to take breaks or stop scrolling and posting on Instagram, Twitter, or whatever other social media site is inundating you with bad news. In fact, self care is especially important if you are passionate about causes in the world that help others. Self care for any kind of social advocate is a responsibility to yourself to remember why you are fighting for what you are fighting for. If you are fighting against hate, or genocide, or for peace, or for clean air in your community, you need to also make sure you are brushing your teeth and getting enough sleep. You need to make sure you are eating foods that nourish you, and doing some kind of bodily movement that is restorative or healthy for you (and within your sustainable energy levels).
We especially need to give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves, and experience pleasure or joy, when we live in a world where there are so many awful things happening all of the time. This kind of self care might only constitute 5% or less of our time. But it's an extremely important 5%! And it’s never an all or nothing — any self care you practice is worth it, and as much as you are able to do at any given time is enough.
And while living through late-stage capitalism often feels like a plane about to crash, you have to choose to also put on your own oxygen mask — especially when you are helping others. These things are not mutually exclusive. And in fact, they cannot exist without each other! If you give up on self care while you are caring for others, you will not only lose energy, you will likely lose perspective, empathy, and could even lose yourself in the process. You only have one of you — you need to take care of it, too.
The way I think about it is that self care is a "yes, and" practice. Yes, I want clean air for my community, and I'm going to take care of myself each day. Yes, I want justice and peace between peoples, and I am going to take care of myself by taking a break from social media. Yes, I want [insert your cause for health, safety, community, and/or peace here], and I am still going to take care of myself!
So, how are you going to show up for yourself and take care of yourself today? How will you say, “yes, and”?
Yours,
Kelsey